Wednesday, December 16, 2015

A Little White Lie-TMI

It seems December always has something up its sleeve for us. When we first met one of the greatest people in my life had left the Earth. Then came December 2008 came and one of Ben's best friend also passed away. The following December 2009 we were married and we had a better holiday. I made gifts that year and it was an accomplishment for both of us to give something we actually cared about. The next year 2010 we bought a house, we were apart through the holidays but I finally got to see my husband for Christmas and it was magical. The following year 2011 was hard not because of something terrible. But because we were away from family. I was extremely home sick. We were making ends meet and had saved up to buy people gifts but not for us. Ben took all of his pesos from his mission cashed them in and bought me a Christmas tree. I cried every time I looked at it. Nothing happened in 2012. It was actually a nice December. Then 2013 we announced a pregnancy, everyone was so excited we were finally having a baby. After one miscarriage that year we thought we were in the clear. The following week we delivered the bad news. We miscarried...again. Last year we became parents to Damien. He came just a couple weeks before his birthday which is just a few days before Christmas. I couldn't have been happier to get up and see him have Christmas. He didn't care but it was exciting for us. I had been so looking forward to this year. Just another calm normal Christmas. But there was another plan.

We had our adoption on November 20th. The following Tuesday the 24th we celebrated Thanksgiving with the Langs, I was feeling a little sick and couldn't even finish a full plate of food. The next day I was sick. I stayed in the bathroom all day. I wanted to make Ben a small Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday so I bucked up and went to the store. I made it barely without tossing my stomach contents. When I got home I realized I was late. Way late. So I woke up Thanksgiving day and took a pregnancy test, I took 4. All said the same thing. I WAS PREGNANT. FEAR. that is all I felt. I knew deep in my heart I couldn't get my hopes up. I told Ben and he was excited and scared. He told me. "Don't move you stay in that bed as long as it takes." You see after my D&C my doctor declared me high risk pregnancy. I needed a hormone treatment in order to up my chances to keep my baby. But it was the holiday weekend and they were all out of the office. So I had to wait until Monday to call. So Bed rest it was. I was devastated. I had planned so much the next week and I had to tell people I couldn't help them. We decided to only tell a few select people about my pregnancy because I didn't want to have to announce to everyone and see the light of excitement go from their eyes. So I made it to my first appointment. I got the drugs and left.

My lie you ask. Well we only told a few people, but since I was on bed rest I couldn't do any thing. Everyone was asking were I was, why I wasn't places, some even getting upset. So we decided to tell a bended truth. I was on a hormone treatment, and so I was. Because of all the hormones in me I needed bed rest and relaxation. And so it was true.

A week passed. Just a week. And the pain started. I knew what it was, but I didn't want it. Finally Ben got home from work and I said we need to go to the ER. We packed Damien an over nighter for the Langs. We drove to the ER. Jessica picked up Damien. And there we were. Sitting waiting to be called back. I was crying. I hurt. Finally after being called back. I miscarried.

There I said it. Wow that makes it so much more real. It was painful, not just emotionally but physically. I felt it all. You see my first miscarriage, was terrible emotionally but I passed him at home. No major pain. My second required a D&C because my body would not pass it naturally. And my third I felt it all. I saw him. I wasn't ready. All I could do is yell and hate myself. I knew it. I knew from the beginning. Then they poke, prodded, did everything they needed. The look on my husbands face each time I went through another test was of protection. He didn't want people to touch me. Just to leave me alone. Let me grieve. But they couldn't. I was use to it. He didn't like it. After passing they were scared and we could tell. Eventually the doctor told us.

You see I passed one but there was a mass on my tubes. The ultrasound said a Ectopic Pregnancy. I freaked out. I knew that meant surgery. I don't do well with surgery. My blood either overly clots due to the meds I get or it doesn't clot and then well I bleed a lot. There was nothing they could do that now early morning. My body had enough trauma for one night. And they sent me home with specific instructions to sleep.  Come back Monday for more test, and talk to my doctor.

Sunday, I didn't believe it. I still haven't processed it. But we all stayed in bed. Damien knew something was wrong, so he did his best to keep us laughing and not thinking about it. It was those moments when he left, when Damien wasn't snuggling me and I cried. That I couldn't see a light. That the depression took over.

Monday came. I went to my doctor. He saw me and knew. He almost cried for me. He could see me on the verge of tears. He explained what we were going to do. Tests, more test, then I would need to see a specialist. He would be with me every step of the way. IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

Its hard to believe that, I KNOW its not. But look at me. Who are they testing. Who had to be on bed rest. Me. I don't blame myself. But I want to know why my body doesn't want to work.

So then I went and got my blood drawn again. And we went out. We saw friends ate food. Saw missionaries. Went on with life. I needed it. I needed the kids. I just needed to keep moving. Its Christmas. I can't miss it. I won't. I won't miss my sons birthday. I will keep moving. They finally called and said no ectopic pregnancy. So no surgery. A little stress left.

Yesterday (Tuesday) Ben took me out, well he took us all driving. He ran errands I sat in the car. It was nice to be out and not doing anything. My brother called, I almost ignored it but I answered. I hadn't wanted to talk to anyone. But he said "I gave you two days. I need to know your ok". And I am, Im moving on. Itll be a long time before I fully move on. I was talking to my best friend Whitney and I said it best to her. I get ready to move on in the grief cycle then I get more test ran, and then I remember and then I got back a million steps.

So those who knew I was on bed rest. Don't hate me, but we couldn't say it without that hurt and wonder. And I am glad we didn't tell people. Its easier to tell you now. We are taking the rest of the year off from somethings. Scouts is still going because the boys keep wanting to come. And we love them. Its at our home so no biggie. But other things, we might not be so eager to attend.

Thank you for the love the prayers. And thank you for reading this. I needed to post it. I needed to acknowledge it.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss T :( I wish there was something I could do to help you take away the pain. Know that I love you and I look up to you for your amazing strength. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss T :( I wish there was something I could do to help you take away the pain. Know that I love you and I look up to you for your amazing strength. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

  3. My heart aches for your loss. I wish you and Ben a healing and hopeful Christmas with your newest addition, munchkin. Thank you for sharing, it takes incredible bravery to be so vulnerable and raw, you amaze me. Hugs and warms thoughts being sent your way.

  4. Sweet Tiffany, I am so sorry you and Ben have to go thru this yet again. I can only imagine what you are feeling. You don't need to explain your absence to anyone but Ben. People will understand. Just keep being an awesome mommy to Damien. He is so lucky to have you and Ben as his parents. Don't ever forget that. I love you bunches. <3

  5. I knew. Well, I didn't KNOW. But I knew. I love you. I grieve for you, and I am praying for you.

  6. I knew. Well, I didn't KNOW. But I knew. I love you. I grieve for you, and I am praying for you.

  7. i'm so sorry T. you've got such a big heart, damien is very lucky to have you as a mom. my thoughts and prayers are with you girl, love you!