Ok so there is a huge reason I haven't been blogging, and there is a huge reason for a lot of my behavior. I have been depressed...no not clinically depressed I have not seen a shrink or anything but I know I have been overly sad and its only because I have been harboring some intense emotions. And I finally decided I need to let them be known not to just Ben and I but literally to the world. But its hard to put all these emotions out there. And I really don't need help figuring them out and I really don't need feed back you are welcome to it but I am saying it only for the purpose of putting it out in the universe. There are a few reasons I am doing this all simply for me. So I get to be selfish for this whole post but I am praying that eventually I will stop keeping these inside and they can stop eating at me, stop making me second guess everything I say or do and hopefully it can help me to move on.
First off, we have lived in Douglas for over a year now. I wont lie I absolutely love Douglas, and I actually love being away from home because Ben and I depend on each other so much more it has strengthened our marriage more than I could I have imagined. But it has also taught my a lot about life. Mainly that UT is a safe bubble that I miss so much. Not homesick ( more on that later ) just the safety of it all. And yes I mean the Mormonism. The point being that I am 22 years old. Young I have my whole life ahead of me. But I have been married for over 3 years. So here is where is gets tough. Most people my age here are going to the club every weekend, drinking their cute little hearts out, and having a good time. And nothing is wrong with that nothing at all. They also don't have husbands and are out searching for "the one". Luckily I finished all that and married the most amazing man I cold imagine. But then again other people who would be interested in the things I would be are married with 5 kids. So I am the odd one out, not is bad way we have a few couple friends here who I love, but it is sometimes nice to have someone my age and have my own beliefs, who enjoys just hanging out and watching movies at home. So I miss my friends, all of them even those not married because they still understand.
Second off, I miss things. Not like stores and items. But mountains, lakes, knowing everyone, modest clothing stores, cupcake shops, fiesta fun, target, mall, and my favorite, the high school games! I know that last one is strange but Hurricane loves the high school games and I really miss getting the whole town together. I also miss neighbors. I have no clue who most of my neighbors are. I do know their jobs and their work schedule but names I am lost on.
Third thing that has been on my mind is a little mentally exposing. And I am still probably going to ramble on until I get it out in the open. This last year I emotionally have been a uphill battle. I cry a lot which is strange for my own personality. I have finally decided it was time to stand up for myself and if people get hurt then I am not sure what I can do about it. Which is really hard because I am one of those people that suffer from anxiety when people get hurt I feel the same thing. I feel like I completely failed that person. And most of the time it isn't even my fault. I like to do things for people but never ask for the help myself. So when my parents divorced I felt the pain for me, my brother, my sister in law, my niece, my nephew, my father, and then I felt a little pain for me. And then it all died down, for a little bit, but my parents split and I really can't change that. The hard part is my family has more than split it has fallen completely apart. I had a promise made to me that nothing other than the divorce would change. But it has. The worst part is that everyone comes to me and tells me things I really don't want to hear. Because I love my family unconditionally whatever mistakes were made were made in the past and we have to move forward. Its hard to move forward though when I get angry messages from everyone about each other. I finally stopped responding. I haven't finished grieving over the divorce because I have been trying to put out fires left and right. And when I try and express my feelings I just get excuses. I don't need excuses or reason or anything just someone to hear what I am saying. I think the problem is that I have been trying to be friends with my family and so everyone comes to me as a friend, but in this I am not a friend, I am a sister and a daughter whose whole world that she has ever known has been turned upside down thrown left then right and then turned right side up and upside down again. So it hasn't been fun. Not at all. I try to throw my emotions in everything else, like cleaning, painting, eating, organizing. Not all bad things but when I put my complete self into these my husband and my dogs get the tail end of it.
Actually typing this all out has been great. I can't believe what a lift has been taken off. Yes I have a headache because I am worried that those who read this will get their feelings hurt, get mad at me, or well hate me. But like I said I can't worry about it I need to stand up for myself. I am sorry if those happen to you but please just understand I am letting my feelings out and trying to help myself.